I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
