she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
