I can text with my tongue
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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