He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
