Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
