First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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