I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
