I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
