I wish my penis had an off switch
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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