I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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