Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
