hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
