my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
