somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
