I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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