I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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