I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize