Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
