Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
