I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
