dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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