Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
