If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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