I hate your face
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I intend to get homeless drunk
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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