Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
