Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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