i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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