Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
