We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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