I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
