It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
