genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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