How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
