I wish I could teleport
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
