So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
