the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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