If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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