Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
