I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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