Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
