Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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