well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
