in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
