beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
