ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
