Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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