I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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