Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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