the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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