never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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