I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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