My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
