I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
