the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
