having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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