walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
